The "Whiff Test" Films of 2018


The basic parameters of the cinematic “Whiff Test” are this: these are films with some measure of artistic merit, but present themselves at a certain point during the screening where one senses a rather dreadful stench. You will also most likely see at least a handful of these choices on other critic’s best of the year lists. Therefore, there will be no VOD horror trash, big budget superhero fodder (Venom, natch), or lame romcoms represented here. Instead, my least favorite films of 2018 were movies that had all the ingredients for greatness, but somehow traveled too far up their own ass to survive. So, relax, sit back, and get a whiff of 2018’s most egregious turkeys.


10

Annihilation

Writer-director Alex Garland's sci-fi mission movie about a team of scientist officers traveling into a mysterious zone is a film of grand imagery, but little imagination, using trippy visuals to paper over thin characterizations and a lack of emotional depth. Why even venture into “The Shimmer“ if the results are this snooze-inducing?

Annihilation.jpg

Private Life.jpg
9

Private Life

Don’t let the fine acting and critical praise fool you; writer-director Tamara Jenkins’s latest is simply another “neurotic middle-aged white people bitching about their privilege” movies. New York artists trying to have children while undergoing a midlife crisis is the kind of bougie lameness we’ve seen for decades, and Jenkins’s combination of earnest drama and physical comedy is the type of forced “quirkiness” passing for realism that feels completely reductive in 2018.


8

Tully

Director Jason Reitman teams up with writer Diablo Cody for the third time for this annoying treatise on the barbarity of modern motherhood. Charlize Theron plays a very pregnant mum stuck in a boring marriage who hires a night nanny, and as magical-realist flourishes begin cropping up, Tully  shows its cards as a gimmicky narrative en route to the predictable character epiphany.

Tully.jpeg

Hold the Dark.jpg
7

Hold the Dark

Jeremy Saulnier’s latest thriller is mostly a laughable dirge into the abyss of human darkness which doesn’t seem to realize how ridiculous it is. Jeffery Wright plays an Alaskan wolf hunter. Alexander Skarsgård is a traumatized war veteran on a killing spree. Riley Keough is a stoic mother who likes wearing animal masks while naked. And the wolves (gasp!) are just a metaphor for the savage evil of humanity. Whiff.


6

Mute

Duncan Jones’s labored passion is like a watered down version of Blade Runner meets Minority Report in which a mute Amish bartender wades through a dystopian society looking for a missing waitress. Paul Rudd and Justin Theroux show up mugging wildly as private surgeons for a crew of gangsters, but the film’s crushing monotony and derivative world-building ultimately represents the nadir of Netflix-approved content.

Mute.jpg

How-to-Talk-to-Girl-at-Parties-movie-poster.jpg
5

How To Talk To Girls At Parties

Adapted from a Neil Gaiman short story of the same name by John Cameron Mitchell, this spirited mess about a young lad falling for an alien girl in 1970’s London attempts to merge the punk movement of the time with cultic kitsch, but ends up as a shallow tale of teenage awkwardness rather than a statement on individuality. Oh, and while it may be many things, it’s definitely not punk.


4

American Animals

A film that has no reason to exist, Bart Layton's fiction/nonfiction hybrid centered around the stealing of rare books from a Kentucky college’s library gives us four young men smugly attempting to atone for their sins. With its faux-heist signifiers and Eroll Morris-lite pretensions, American Animals is yet another pointless story humanizing bored white criminals. Yuck.

American Animals.jpeg

22 July.jpeg
3

22 July

The 2011 Norway attacks by Anders Behring Breivik that left 77 people dead was an unspeakable atrocity, and director Paul Greengrass cheaply uses this real-life tragedy as a soapbox for simplistic moralizing. The purpose here might be to open up a dialogue about how someone like Breivik exists, but there’s little artistic or political utility in Greengrass’s exploitative approach; rendering his film as yet another dramatic thriller trivializing actual human suffering.


2

Vox Lux

Vox Lux is Brady Corbet’s laughable commentary on the superficiality of celebrity; made all the more grating by Natalie Portman’s repetitive over-acting as an adult pop star in meltdown mode. The film lacks any real understanding of how pop music actually functions in society, instead choosing to show how pain, tragedy, and self-destruction is good for pop branding. Glib, banal, and condescending; Corbet ultimately adopts the same signifiers he’s seeking to condemn.

Vox Lux.jpg

Suspiria.jpg
1

Suspiria

Luca Guadagnino’s cover version of Dario Argento’s 1977 classic is self-serious nonsense which fails to deliver on even the most basic horror movie level. Tilda Swinton plays three roles. Nazism, political violence, half-hearted nods to feminism, and (gulp) old man confessionals about dead wives gets thrown into the mix. The film makes the fatal mistake of pivoting away from actually being a horror movie and talks down to an audience expecting genre thrills. Sadly, the only spell being cast by Guadagnino here is a steadily building sense of boredom.


Least Favorite Films of 2016


The difference between the "worst" and "least favorite" is a necessary distinction here because these are all films that had potential to be worthwhile. Therefore, Adam Sandler crotch kicks, Seth Rogen bong rips, animated kids movies about farting glitter, and feel-good Oscar-baiting dreck starring Will Smith will never be represented here. Infact, some of these titles have actually appeared on other Best of the Year lists. So, without further ado, here are 2016's greatest follies. When people claim cinema is alive and well, I'll point them to these turkeys.


10

Weiner

Anthony Weiner was running for mayor of New York City in 2013. Anthony Weiner likes taking photos of his "weiner." Anthony Weiner is not a tragic figure worthy of unprecedented access, and this miscalculated freak show doc is simply another predictable tale of political hubris gone awry. 


9

Yoga Hosers

Kevin Smith's lame stoner comedy follows two convenience store teenage girls (played by the real-life daughters of Smith and Johnny Depp) as they stare into their iphones, engage in Canuk jokes, and battle Nazi bratwursts. Yes, Nazi bratwursts. This isn't simply an act of nepotism. It's child abuse. 


8

Captain Fantastic

Matt Ross's shallow social critique about a father (Viggo Mortensen) living with his family off the grid never bothers to examine its troubling premise. Instead, it piles on the familial sing-alongs, tearful monologues, and forced whimsy while holding up the patriarch as some kind of anti-capitalist saint. Vomit. 


7

Swiss Army Man

This should have been a grotesque buddy comedy, but instead, directors "The Daniels" thinks they're making a movie about human loneliness. Please. Think Michel Gondry-inspired fantasy without the charm set to an atrociously twee indie soundtrack. And no, the Daniels are not in on it.


6

Star Trek Beyond

Justin Lin hyperdrives the Star Trek franchise into a black hole with this incomprehensible jumble of shaky action sequences and lame attempts at humor. Gene Rodenbery must have been rolling around in his grave to the deafening sounds of The Beastie Boys after this soulless cash grab. 


5

Christine

Is it possible for a great performance to turn up in a truly bad, wrong-headed film? Rebecca Hall is fiercely committed as TV reporter Christine Chubbuck, who shot herself live on air in 1974, but director Antonio Campos completely misses the irony of the very thing Chubbuck warned against. Unlike Robert Greene's meta deconstruction Kate Plays Christine, Campos's misguided dramatization represents a streamlining of mental illness and a vulgar portrait of "blood and guts" exploitation.


4

Jackie

Pablo Larraine's anti-biopic is the worst kind of art house wallpaper; a ghoulish display of grief masquerading as character study. Instead of historical specificity, we learn that it must have been awful to see your husband's head blown off. Thanks, movie.


3

Deadpool

In a year of shitty comic book movies, Deadpool was the worst because it actually thought it was being a subversive take on superhero tropes. The problem here is that indulging in the very cliches you are satirizing isn't clever, it's just as lazy and self-satisfied as an avocado having sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.


2

Men and Chicken

A tone deaf mess about socially challenged siblings who discover they are actually adopted half-brothers after stumbling upon three additional half-brothers on a Danish island and...well, who cares. Not even Mads Mikkelsen's goofy moustache and chronic masturbation can save this turd.


1

The Eyes of my Mother

Nicolas Pesce's debut is an ugly, sadistic piece of wannabe art house nonsense which offers no reason to exist other than as a flashy calling card for its writer-director. This isn't galvanizing or bold horror filmmaking. It's simply empty Freudian torture porn calories.